Can I ask why you won't divorce your dh? I swear, I'm not asking to be a dick. I was actually in a similar situation about ten years ago. I hated my ex-dh, but I didn't believe I could make it on my own, so I had an affair. It didn't make me feel anything more beyond a fleeting rush. If anything, it put a huge spotlight on how shitty I felt. My divorce sucked, but my life is so much better now. The man I'm married to now is everything I ever wanted in a man (took a awhile to find him, though, lol). And, yup, I did a metric shit-ton of therapy. You don't have to live like this. You are literally one decision away from a totally different life. Either way, I don't judge you. I just hope you do what's best for you.