I love that domestic terrorists have now *twice* stormed government buildings recently with guns, and I've seen footage where they're literally shoving the police. But an unarmed Black man can't walk down a street apparently. Oh, and when I say I love it, I mean I hate it. I hate it SO much.

I just made a huge pot of polenta with veg broth sprinkled with Parmesan. Does anyone else like polenta? If so, would love to hear how you enjoy it.

I'm the one who has two girls and said I'd be disappointed if I had boys. I like make-up and stuff too, but I also LOVE football and sports. But I still don't want boys. They have every bit as much drama as girls. Funny thing is that my girls are even really that girly. I also read the things here and know how I am and have been treated by men my whole life, and I kind of don't want to raise someone like that. I know I could use it ass an opportunity to raise better men, but I don't think it's that simple. Societal messages are hard to out parent. There was an article written by a trans man who said he was completely shocked to learn how men talk and behave when no one was around. The Locker room talk, the jokes, showing friends nudes that were meant to be private. Even the "good" ones laughed along or at the very least, didn't speak up. I'd have a hard time respecting my son knowing he probably did that too, at least at some point.

Also, I love giving gifts. When I spend time putting together a thoughtful gift, I appreciate hearing some kind of thanks in return. Though that's not always the case. I try not to put energy towards expectations of others since I like to give for the sake of giving. But I guess I would like to hear thanks in return. Am I making sense? lol

I really love wrapping gifts especially when I can reuse wrapping paper, ribbons, etc.

I've decided to finally tell my DH on sunday that I want a divorce. He will be mostly blindsided by this. We've only been married 4 years, and I do love him, but this marriage isn't good for either of us. I'm both scared and excited. I don't fear for my safety but I'm not looking forward to all the backlash I'll get from him, friends, and family. Nor am I looking forward to the process if he decides to be contentious. I am excited about both of us being free and happy once all of it is over though.

I know this has been sort of trending here, but I'm telling you this has nothing to do with anything I've read here. I just am starting to think that men are just ass holes. In general. Bullish pricks who think it's funny when others are upset. Entitled fuckwits that think they should be in charge even when they're CLEARLY not equipped to be. Lazy slobs that don't clean up after themselves. Sensitive whiners who need to have their egos stroked at all times. This has been building a long time, over SO many different venues. Social media's a big one where they just really show their true colors, but it's in my own hose too. Gettin pretty sick of DH strutting his big gut around talking about being in charge when I do 80% of the housework and make 80% of the money. I love him, but I'm over it. And when I mention this, he gets defensive and tells me to lighten up. He's joking. Yeah, well, joke's over. I'm over it.

A few months ago I got a phone call in the middle of the night from a strange number. I ignored it. Next morning had an email from my profile on a professional website that I had a lead. It was the same number - and they left a nasty msg. I traced the # to a woman in a town that DH had worked in for several months earlier this year, in another state. I asked him who this was and he said she was part of a group of ppl he and his coworkers befriended and hung out with. Not unusual at all. He said that was inappropriate of her, called her and cut off the friendship. He got drunk w/friends yesterday and fell asleep w/his phone unlocked. I looked. He has her programmed under a guy's name. She texted him all day "Call me if you love me!" "You're away from your wife today, I need to hear your voice!" and "Are you fucking another woman?!" (Besides me, I guess?) and he called her 17 times. His deceit is unfathomable. Looks like 2021 will be starting with a divorce. I'm broken.

First real snowstorm of the season and I hate it. DH always loves the snow, but he doesn't have to drive in it!! Ugh. Spring cannot come soon enough.

I miss my Mom too. She was the one who loved Christmas and would decorate for it and go all out. She grew up poor and didn't have nice Christmases, so she really wanted that for us kids. She always wanted Christmas to be special. Now, this time of year is so depressing to me and I can't seem to get happy and excited no matter how hard I try. *Hugs* I won't say anything about getting over it or how it'll get better because I don't know that it ever will. Just know you aren't alone--losing your mom just plain sucks.