So, I finally got to visit my dad yesterday but I should have just stayed home. Husband and I were barely there for fifteen minutes before dad's wife comes in and tells my dad that he has to go fix something at her mom's house. My dad said that her brother was home (he lives with them) and should help out there and that he was visiting with me. Well...in the end husband and I drove to Home Depot with him and then while back at his house, my dad said he would be gone for just 15 minutes. Well...an hour later he comes back. I should have left earlier but I wanted to see my dad. In the end, my dad felt bad and we went out for tacos but I can't help but resent him for not standing up to his wife. He is constantly at her family's beck and call and they look down on him (they tried with me by speaking another language that they thought I couldn't understand but I did and spoke it right back to them). I could tell he felt really bad (his father's wife couldn't care less) and I feel really guilty that my visit started this but he did invite me over.

I inherited my dad's bad skin and my mother's veiny legs. *sigh*

Yeah well I just got reminded that no matter how long I live I will never repay all the social entitlements I've gotten in my life. Food stamps, pell grants, earned income credit, medicaid, WIC... and so on and so forth. I haven't been on assistance since 2005, but I will never pay enough in income taxes to pay back all the free stuff I've gotten. And thanks, BOSS, whose life is perfect, who's never made a bad decision, for reminding me of that. That's awesome. I'm sure when I'm an old lady deciding whether to eat or take my medicine and you're on a boat somewhere fishing during your wonderful retirement this will keep me awake at night.

I hate Mother's Day weekend. It is just a reminder that I don't have a mother. A reminder that my mom didn't get to meet my kids. That my kids didn't get to meet their grandmother. Just a reminder that I have no one. My dh and kids try. I put on a happy face for them. I appreciate all their effort, I really do. But I hate it. It puts me in a bad mood all weekend.

I HATE LIFE. I just got kicked out of a band for no good reason...other than I'm new and not related to or connected to any one else in the group and they're threatened by my talent. If this was the only thing that happened, it wouldn't be so bad. HOWEVER, my husband lost his job last week, and my mother is dead, so with Mother's Day coming up, my emotions are all over the fucking place. I'm irritable, depressed, sad, angry, hurt, and tired of people in general. I want to kill myself, but I realize that would cause more harm than good. UGH I HATE LIFE!!!!

When I was crossing the playground to puck up my Nephew 3rd grade that's in afterschool care, some little sassy girl in probably 6th grade came up to me and said she doesn't like me and said I was a bitch. I looked at her and told her that's too bad because I loved her but to watch who she talks to before someone kicks her ass. She just scurried away. I was firm and Truth be told, I really just wanted to tell her 'fuck you little girl'. I haven't seen her before but now I know who she is.

I broke up with my ex months ago. We were together barely a year. We've had no contact since. Today I get out of work and find a pile of nasty messages left on my phone. Things like he's been sleeping with others and realises how bad I was in bed, how I need people to tell me I'm beautiful but I'm actually ugly, he can't believe he was seen with me. I have no friends because I'm a bad person etc. I was raped by an acquaintance years ago, and he knew that, and he brought it up, saying he feels sorry for the person who did it. I KNOW none of this is true. He's playing on my self esteem issues, I know I'm a good person, I know I'm pretty, I know I have true friends. I have a lot of good, loving, family members in my life. So why am I looking in the mirror and crying over his words? Why do I feel ugly and worthless? I hate him.

My sleep paralysis is back. It had been a little over a year since my last episode... I moved during that time, and I'd convinced myself there was some bad energy at my old home because it stopped as soon as I moved. Well, if that's the case, it's found me at my new home. This is hell. I am exhausted all day, and I fight sleep all night. Just popped two Xanax--hoping it helps me get some rest.

So I am home on a rare visit. My husband and I live really far away. Already my dad has cancelled on me twice to do chores for his wife's family. If he cancels on me tomorrow I will just ask him if I should ask him or his wife's family when I could see him. He should be a good son-in-law and help them out but if it is taking a lot of time away from his children from his first marriage then maybe its time to reel it back. Of course, last time I visited his wife bought a really expensive car and he took time out of our visits to take extra jobs to pay for it (his wife didn't help out). I felt bad for him and annoyed at her but then again he should remember that he has family. Apparently he doesn't even visit his own mother as often anymore and she lives 15 minutes from him! If anyone needs help around the house its his mom. My husband had to fix her roof because her own son is busy with his wife's family to help her with anything.

It hurts to see a friend of ours struggling so bad and in an abusive roommate situation and be unable to help. DH and I are barely paying our own bills. We've offered to let our friend stay with us to help her get back on her feet, but our complex doesn't allow dogs. She understandably doesn't want to part with her dog or have anyone foster it for the time being. I wish we could give her money, but we have none. Urg.