I left him almost 5 years ago after 10 years of marriage. I gave him the house, didn't ask for alimony, didn't touch his 401k which had about $120k in it at the time. I needed to be done, and to walk away was the best thing to do. I don't regret it. However, I was a grad student throughout our marriage and had no retirement savings of my own. Then I had to cash in my small 401k from the job I got after I married him because I needed to pay bills incurred from the divorce and moving etc. Now I am in a new job and my total 401k savings is $6500. That's all I currently have to retire on. I'm 40 years old. It will grow. It will be ok. But right now, I wish I'd taken half. I was owed half. Mentally and emotionally I did what was right for me then, but I can't help but feel screwed now.

DH and I both grew up poor. We both had family that tried to bring us down no matter how hard we tried to get ahead because they didn't want us to have more than they did. No matter how hard we tried we still struggled financially but I think we were more drained emotionally than anything. We moved across the country and now our marriage is better than ever. Financially we make more but not a huge increase. Even though it is a slight increase we live in a nicer home, nice cars and even more spending money. It is amazing how getting away from emotionally draining family will improve your life in all areas.

I would not want to date an obese guy either. I've seen what it's like to have to take care of someone who has severe health consequences due to it, and I think it's rather selfish. It's hard on the family financially, and emotionally. I love to hike, bike, and travel. Being with someone who just wants to sit on the couch is such a bore. Someone who makes me go into debt spending hundreds on food and medical bills sucks. I want someone to do stuff with, I don't want to go alone or with other people, never spending time with him because he can't or won't. I can't imagine being with someone and living separate lives, what's the point? You can't always control things, but you should at least make an effort to not put yourself in an early grave.

I'm judgemental, sure. If you're a racist, bigot, rude or hateful, if you neglect your kids or pets, if you steal or wound people emotionally, if you are cruel or reckless with spreading rumors, if you're nasty and bitter. I judge. I'm ok with that.

I feel so awful for the OP on here with colitis. Her situation sounds physically and emotionally draining. I was just thinking though, does she wear a thong?

I was 10 when my mom told me about her affair. I remember being confused and saying "Do what makes you happy" after she angrily disagreed with me about cheating on my dad. I don't regret what I said but rather angry at a grown ass woman telling her child she was having an affair before saying a thing to her own husband. I question an adult's motives to telling a child to lie for her. She may have thought that I was mature for my age, but I was still physically and emotionally a child.

Why is it when a man emotionally and mentally abuses a woman the first thing that is said is, Oh that poor woman and such an evil man but when roles are reversed and the woman is the abuser everyone says, What an idiot for putting up with her crap.

I was abused as a child. Physically, not verbally or sexually. When I misbehaved I was beaten with a belt. A wide leather belt. Sometimes I wouldn't be able to go to school the next day because I couldn't sit down. I was picked up by my hair and thrown against walls. I was punched in the face for talking back. I was kicked in the behind for walking too slowly or on the way to the car after a basketball game for playing poorly. These things happened a lot. Not everyday, but a couple of times a week until I got into my teens. One memorable time I was beaten with a broom until I blacked out from the pain. I know that many children that have been abused end up with abusers as adults, but I always swore I would never ever be an abusive partner. I can smell an abuser from a mile away. Of course there are ones that hide it really well, but for the most part I can tell. It's like gaydar, but for abusers. I've never had an abusive relationship. I've had bad shitty relationships, but no one has every physically hurt me or damaged me emotionally. It's not because I'm better or stronger. Maybe it's just luck.

I was never in a relationship that was physically abusive. Some of my exs were just so emotionally manipulative that I wasn't sure if it was bad until I was out of it. I've had two bad exs. One somehow convinced me to wear sweaters and baggy pants almost every day because he said other men would look at my body, and if I loved him, I wouldn't let that happen. He even screamed at me and through a huge fit when I cut about 4 inches off my hair because I didn't look pure enough anymore. He slowly drifted me away from all my friends. It was just me and him for years. When I was out of the relationship, it was like I could breathe, but this also terrified me. It felt safe with him, but it was unhealthy. Another ex just constantly told me that I wasn't pretty enough for his standards, but in very manipulative ways. He would say things like, "Yea, you're cute now, but you'd look way better with more make up/ if you dyed your hair/ lost more weight/ if you dressed like this." He was also very controlling sexually. Where if I wasn't in the mood, it got to the point near the end of our relationship where he would look elsewhere. I was on sleeping pills for a while because I was having trouble sleeping, and without my consent, he would have sex with my sleeping body and I didn't even wake up. It creeped me out so badly that after that our relationship pretty much died after that. I'm grateful to have never been physically abused. At the time of those relationships, I was pretty young. I never seen an example of a good relationship and thought most of the things in my relationships were normal. I'm sure many women were like I was. Unable to see what abuse is. Excusing bad behavior because someone "loves" you.

Sad thing is when I was a kid my grandmother lavished love and attention on me. I used to say I wanted to live with her as my mom was on drugs and put me in the place of my siblings full-time caregiver. My grandma used to brag that I wanted to live with her but never actually helped any of us as we got older. When my dad got custody of me, she started accusing me of not loving her, that I loved other family members more than her and that I USED to love her but now I lived with my "other grandmother" I loved that one more. I got sick of her emotional manipulation and stopped saying that I loved her. To her, love was a weapon. Any nice thing that she did for me had string attached so I stopped accepting things from her. Once I disarmed her, did she treat me like a human being.