The older I get, the more I realize how emotionally abusive my parents were. I have emotional issues now, but honestly, I am surprised I do not have a lot more. I posted on Truu and on here about something that happened in middle school, and yes I still think about it as an adult. (see confession 3649 in Parenting) And that was only ONE thing that happened. Mom's laziness and Dad's "strong personality" and inability to keep a job meant very little money growing up. My parents have both passed away now, I hate to say this but I am somewhat better off emotionally now. I realize now I should have distanced myself from them. But they had me convinced I could not do anything on my own, and even hid my mail so my credit got hit. Bad credit means no apartment or car loan, and staying dependent.

We're both in mediocre marriages, but our spouses aren't bad people. We love our kids. But the chemistry between us is palpable. I think about you all the time. In my mind, I have been with you 100 times. I want to cross that line so, so badly. And I absolutely know you do too. I'm glad we'll be working from home forever, because if we saw each other every day, were physically close to each other every day, we would. But we're also both good people and wouldn't risk our jobs or do that to our families. I was offered a job making way more money. I turned it down and didn't tell anyone. I can't bear the thought of not talking to you, laughing with you, every day, even if it's through a screen. I can't be with you and can't be without you. I don't know how this is going to end.

Diagnosis: depression? I weigh more than I’ve weighed in my life. Finally decided to consider bariatric surgery and I can’t get in until February. I hurt everywhere. Feet swollen badly and the neuropathy is like fire. Blood sugar runs between 160 and 350, no matter what I eat or drink. I think I did something to my Achilles’ tendon. It hurts when I walk. It hurts when I sleep. My legs spasm 24/7. I’m tearful about not being with our great grandson for Christmas, yet the thought of being with ANY human beings makes me cry. DH can’t figure out WTF he’s supposed to do to help. I’m afraid this is gonna kill me, yet would look forward to it if I have to continue living with the pain.

My dh has his vasectomy tomorrow. I'm equal parts relieved and anxious about it. I've had 2 c sections, and wouldn't have complained about a hysterectomy or tubal, but he insisted on doing this himself. He says I've had enough surgeries and this is less invasive. But I just wish I was doing it. I feel really bad about it, but also not. If that makes any sense.

I told everyone that we would be repeating last year's excellence by not attending family holiday events. I bought food for us to have at home, got the house spiffed up so we can put up christmas decorations in peace and enjoy our week with the kids. My H went behind my back and told his family of course we will be at your toxic disgusting gathering so you can abuse my wife with your idiotic comments. No sir, I will not be attending. His family never fails to make ugly comments about us only having 2 kids ("but what will you do if one of them dies?" Exact quote) and other shit. But thanks for ruining my plans. Guess I will be spendng Tgiving alone, being the bad guy from afar! Yay.

There was a shooting last night at the complex where I grew up and where my parents still live. A man and 8-year old girl died. Someone's daughter, classmate, grandchild. WTF!! I visited them a few days ago and know this area is really bad, but this is horrifying and heartbreaking. I want to help my parents move out of there.

I'm so envious of people who are close with their siblings. My sister is 8 yrs older than me and was just nasty to me when we were kids. I'm 40 and still have issues from what she put me through. We made up throughout my 20s, but she eventually fell back on her mean girl bullshit and I set some hefty boundaries with her. I rarely speak to her now. She recently had a car accident and is having some struggles. I feel bad for her, but my boundaries remain.

Thank you cocopop. We have more sad news. My brother was just taken by ambulance to the ICU. The neighbors were worried, so they came over and found him unresponsive on the couch. Now my remaining nephew is trying to juggle everything while waiting to see if his father lives. I can't believe they have turned into one of those families you read about in the paper. I feel so bad for my nephew. His mom died in a car crash several years ago, so now his dad (and me and DH) are all the family he has left.

So much hate. People seem to wish harm and bad things on those who disagree and it makes me sad.

You're really inspiring, OP! I hope to feel the lightness that I read in your post. Seriously, you go on with your bad self! Can I ask how did you start the process especially when it comes to beliefs and ideas? Thank you!