"In this house we drink martinis on Sundays at 3 PM. We use green olives stuffed with pimentos. We load nachos with as much cheese and jalapenos as the chips will hold. We kiss the dogs on the lips. We dress our cats up in clothes. In this house we play evil and smelly pranks on one another. This house never has scissors, tape or enough tinfoil. In this house you will likely find kibble and cheerios on the floor. There is usually something sticky on the fridge handle. Good luck figuring out where the smell is coming from. In this house your socks and underwear will be used to make sock puppets. Your soap and shampoo will be borrowed. Pickles go with everything. The peanut butter has crumbs in it. We leave the door unlocked but sadly, no one has come to steal the kids yet,"

I read a cool article regarding women's rights and the old "It's like putting a sirloin steak in front of a dog and expecting him not to eat it." Well, a woman took a steak, put it in front of her two dogs and told them no. They didn't eat it. So, the moral of her story is that if a man has less control than a dog, he should be neutered and kept on a leash!

No, my daughter hasn't graduated YET, but she will in about a month. School was not easy for her. She worked fkn hard for even the lower grades she has, but you know what? She's still a better person than you will ever be since you are so damn nasty and mean. My DD has two jobs and doesn't ask me for shit. She's been saving her money and takes care of herself. She works out, doesn't drink or smoke or do drugs and still finds time to help her grandmother clean her house and walk her dogs. Your DD on the other-hand, sucks. School was easy for her, but you've enabled her and spoiled her so much it's no wonder she's on drugs and stays gone for days on ends not knowing where she is. So if you have something to say about my daughter, say it to me, not your co-worker who you know is the biggest gossiper in town and also happens to be my fkn sister!!! Fuck You.

I don't think there's anything that can repair some women after giving birth. It's incredibly insensitive to make comments about hot dogs and hallways but lets face it (any dude who spoke about his ex like that has no respect for women and would get an instant dumpogram from me), sometimes it's true. It's a hard fact about childbirth a lot of women refuse to accept. The vagina is elastic but elastic can only stretch so far. And babies are getting so big these days because of improved maternal nutrition etc. It's one of many reasons I class my vagina as entrance only.

Dad I hope you find the diner of your dreams in Heaven, where the bacon is always crispy, the coffee is always fresh, the eggs always cooked to perfection. I hope the waitresses are cocky and efficient, just like you like them. I hope you have breezy days with no grass to mow, I hope you find yourself tall and strong like you used to be, may the car shows in heaven be filled with amazing chrome, may you have as many cats and dogs and rats as you could ever want. I hope you find a fresh farmer's stand with corn and tomatoes. I know your friends will be waiting, with a huge table to sit around and good cigars. May the grill be working just fine and the barbecue duck and ribs be tasty. May you find the perfect bread recipe. I know the weather will be perfect, with just enough rain to make it cool and plenty of space for gardening. May you have all your favorite music and books lined up and ready, any time you want it. May you have a peaked thatched roof in your reading room and windows open to the ocean sounds and iguanas perched on rocks, an avocado tree and armadillos, may you be able to visit when you can. Visit in our dreams.

My dogs are the light of my life ; )

Comparing good wines to cheap bottom of the barrel wines is like comparing excellent steak to discount hot dogs. COMPLETELY different animals. But both good in their own way.

I love dogs but not badly behaved dogs that jump on you. Being jumped on is really inexcusable, and that is totally on the owner.

I don't think any amount of training would stop a dog staring at you when you eat...it's pretty much a natural behaviour. That being said, the simplest solution is just to not have your dog around while you eat, or not eat around someone's dog (and I do agree it is polite to shut your dogs in another room if someone is eating at your house).

I hate dogs.