last night I dreamed that my mother passed away. It was the worst dream I think I have ever had. I love my mom & we're super close. I hope it wasn't some sign of something bad going to happen. :(

Admin, I love how you said you were going to do something, and then you did it. It makes me feel spoiled. Thank you for keeping your word!

One of the most important insights into healing that I've ever read came from the book "How to Survive the Loss of a Love." It said that healing a broken heart doesn't come in a straight line, but more of a zig-zag. That you will take steps forward in healing and not thinking of that person, and then you will regress. This thought helps me. Today, I am regressing.

I'm jealous of his wife, and of the girlfriend(s?) he probably has. I'm jealous of his kids. I'm jealous of his parents. I just wanted time to get to know him. Time WITH him. Before we confessed our feelings for each other, he was one of the most influential people in my life. Always will be. And then we fell in love, and all I wanted was time to get to know him for real. And I didn't get it. And he was a cheating jerk anyhow. But still...he made such a difference in my life, and I needed that time. Life is so messed up. It's for the better that I didn't really get involved with him. But he was someone I loved, and I feel so cheated out of what most people get when they fall in love.

My step father used to have me breathe into his car breathalyzer so he could keep driving. He'd hand the device to me with a can of beer in his other hand. He threatened to hurt me so many times as a teen, and he's the reason why I met my husband. When my step father was stomping around the house drunk as hell, I would be on the internet chatting with my future-husband in an attempt to drown it out. I don't feel bad that horrible man is dead. I just feel bad that he never found peace while he was alive. He ruined my childhood and early teen years, but I got the love of my life out of that misery.

So I just read a comment without looking at who wrote it and thought "That sounds like dagnytag so I scrolled back up to check and sure enough, I was right! Love how she keeps it real!

I love how easy it is to type and edit in this confessional box.

I have the next two Fridays off and I'll be spending those two days at the beach! Screw the housechores-it's not like I'm not going to clean over the weekend anyway! I need the time alone. I'll drop off my kids at school and I'll ride my bike at least 4 miles on the bike path and then I'll read some sort of trash book (and not a self help book!) while laying on the sand, under the sun for hours. I love my family, I have good kids/DH, but damn it..I give too much of myself to others and not enough for me-to me. Mom guilt sucks. I need to get over it; the kids are old enough now where they don't need me.

I think I'm falling in love with a woman at work. She laughs like a young girl when we talk, we go for coffee and lunch all the time talking about career, work, and things going on in our lives. We have mini dates. The problem is we are both married to other people. I think about her everyday

Did a bunch of errands today and returned some stuff that had been sitting around for a while. Love that feeling.