Honestly, I think I have rage at whatever God there may be that I have acted in good faith my entire life but have gotten so little love in terms of relationships in return. I've suffered, I've tried, I've mended, I've changed...I've done everything I can in the best way I can, but I am still alone in all areas of my life. It's not that I think that I am "OWED" love, but I do think that loving and being loved in return is a big part of why we're on this earth. And I am livid at this point that such love has escaped me my whole life. I am not an unlovable person! WTF?! I simply don't know what more I can possibly do. I feel like I must really just be the ugliest, worthless, most unlovable person on the planet that no one has found in in their hearts to want to be with me.

DH ordered Frozen off of Groupon for a killer price sometime a little over a week ago. It is scheduled for delivery today. Our son has no clue, and he's been asking when we'll be able to buy it because he loved it so much. So tonight? Tonight it's a fort in the living room, pizza via Hungry Howie's, popcorn, and Frozen. So so excited.

Going home for another visit. This time I didn't lose weight. It sucks to know that my family may not love me because I didn't lose weight.

I love Pinterest.

As unhealthy as it is...I love eating bacon covered in syrup. My kids have been eating it the same way since they were little. Too bad I only made enough for us to only get 4 pieces each.

I'm sitting here reading on FB how all my kids' friends are somewhere on the beach for Spring Break and feeling sorry for my kids that we are not going anywhere (but we have big plans for the summer, so this was understood). Then my friend texts me a picture of her mom who had cancer and a huge surgery a few weeks ago. She is improving incredibly and has the most beautiful smile on her face. So much love hugging her grandchildren. Those are the important things in life, not going to the beach or to Disney whenever there is a school break.

For the love of God, why can't I be normal?

I love my job... but I hate my work schedule. When my family is home, I'm at work. I can only have a weekend off if I take a vacation day. My kids are DS5, DD10, & DS15 and I'm missing all of those precious moments that I can never get back. As of now, I'm #3 on the seniority list (out of 10) to choose which shift and what days off I want, but because I'm also a trainer, I can't switch. Just to give you a little more insight, I work from 3 pm - 11 pm, with Thursdays & Fridays off in the law enforcement profession. If all goes well, I'll be out of this office and behind the wheel in the very near future. My hours will change from an 8 hour day to a 12 hour day...but I'll have every other Fri/Sat/Sun off. I wish I was with them right now.

I confess DS8 has really hurt my feelings. As his mother, I have done everything I could do to keep him happy and healthy since the day I found out I was pregnant with him. I love him with every fiber of my being. His father was barely there for the birth, and has done practically nothing for DS his whole life! Why then do I have to literally drag 2 word responses out of DS8 about anything, while he will happily offer up at least 20 min of info to his father about every little detail of his day! I am so frustrated and hurt by this I actually couldn't sing lullabies to him and his brother DS4 last night because I started crying about it...

I love sitting in the quiet just listening to it rain. I may very well do this a majority of the weekend.