I'm with you on all of those bands...plus Kraftwerk, Joy Division, Psychedelic Furs, Echo & the Bunnymen, Adam Ant, TFF. I could go on and on :) But sorry to say, DM was and still is my #1 favorite band. I love how their music evolves but still has the underlying sound from back in the day. Their newer stuff is awesome.

I loved the Cure, The Smiths, The Velvet Underground, the Violent Femmes, New Order, all that stuff. Everyone might regret their love for Motley Crue but I actually like Def Leppard and some of my musical choices were regrettable too. Depeche Mode was not that great, lol!

I'm unhappy and I don't know what to do about it. I put everyone else first, I want someone to put me first. But every time I try to talk about it, I brought this on myself and it's my fault that I'm not taken care of. I need to just pull up my big girl pants and make myself a priority. It just would be nice to be loved, cared for, and protected the way only fictional characters seem to be.

I found out why she was acting the way she was. She fucking had COVID and didn't want me to know. She tested positive a few days before she came over. She exposed my kids. Why does she always have to make life so fucking difficult? And always trying to prove a point. And now she's all "Oh well, I guess I'll just talk to people that actually love me." FUCK. It's been almost 5 days and they have no symptoms. None of us have had any of the variants, so I have no idea what I'm looking for. Fuck my life. Every time I think I can stop being angry with her for being so fucking stupid, she does something else to prove me wrong.

I get it. That's why I keep my mouth shut. It's their family. They know I would welcome and love any new baby with all my heart. They already know that. They don't need to be worried about me when making decisions about their family. I'm sorry your family can't see that simple fact.

I'm trying anything to get me out of this depression. Tonight starts an 8-week online watercolor class. I'm so glad my sister is in, too. In addition to returning to something I loved in HS, I really hope to learn how to accept myself wherever I am without judgement. We are all just learning as we go. I can ease up on myself. It will be hard to not judge my work among the more advanced, but my work is acceptance, love, and compassion.

My dad basically used "roughhousing" as a cover for abuse. I was tomboyish and like a lot of kids would love it at first, until he would hold my hands and feet together (sometimes he would wrap my arms in like a bathrobe belt or something) and clap his hand over my mouth. I would be screaming by this point and panicking my head off. Now I have such fear of panic attacks that I have chronic avoidance as well as a personality disorder. I also freeze every time I am vaguely threatened, I worry if someone tried to rape me I would not even attempt to get away, I'd just freeze. It maybe sounds ridiculous compared to what some had been through but the terror of being held down by this giant human laughing while I was screaming at him was horrible. Now he acts like a dick to everyone (especially my mother) but uses the fact that he throws money at people as often as he can to behave like we're the selfish ones.

Hometown news: Another classmate of mine from HS has died of covid. Bunch of Republican nutters around that area. I wonder how many more people from my hometown will have to die before the vaccination rate in that county actually starts to go up. I will say, though, that in watching the vaccination rates in my state- the county I live in currently is right around 40% and my hometown county is at about 55%. This is just such a backward thing. I love living in the sticks, but damn. There are some seriously backward nutters out here.

My boss is awesome. I work for the VA, so a gazillion people in our organization. Some jackass manager just hounded me via email about a document that we are totally on top of and have done everything we need to do with. Just very condescending to me with things like, "It's not that hard, just read the document." (I don't have authority to speak to the contents with him because, ya know, federal gov't, secret information kind of thing). Forwarded it to my boss asking for guidance. My normally mild mannered boss, who outranks the shit out of Jackass Manager (don't think he realized that he was my boss AND that we also happen to be work besties) just laid TF into him AND copied every single person Jackass Manager reports to. That's going to ruin his day. I love my boss. Did I mention he's awesome?

We're both in mediocre marriages, but our spouses aren't bad people. We love our kids. But the chemistry between us is palpable. I think about you all the time. In my mind, I have been with you 100 times. I want to cross that line so, so badly. And I absolutely know you do too. I'm glad we'll be working from home forever, because if we saw each other every day, were physically close to each other every day, we would. But we're also both good people and wouldn't risk our jobs or do that to our families. I was offered a job making way more money. I turned it down and didn't tell anyone. I can't bear the thought of not talking to you, laughing with you, every day, even if it's through a screen. I can't be with you and can't be without you. I don't know how this is going to end.