An acquaintance from my old job has been posting on FB that she is taking Xmas away from her kids. I know it's bad to judge...but I'm judging! She always complains about how hard it is to be a single mom, but she has three homes from what I can tell. She adopted two kids on her own. They seem to have behavior issues- which is understandable. Who knows what they have been through. But I saw them at school all the time and I think their behavior is much better at school than at home. Frankly, I suspect she might be causing a lot of their emotional issues. Who takes xmas away from their kids? An unstable person, that's who. She says they are "ungrateful." Something rubs me wrong about a white lady adopting black kids and calling them "ungrateful." This woman should be grateful to have these beautiful kids in her life! Bitching about them constantly on social media, while posting photos of all of your holiday baking is just weird. Waiting for someone to call her on this Mommy Dearest bs.

I'm trying so hard to pretend I'm okay. When DH has to leave for months on end for work, I'm supposed to just suck it up and act happy because we chose this life and blah blah blah. But it's really freaking hard, emotionally. Taking care of bills, the house, the kid, working, and whatever is thrown my way is easy. I break down several times a day (alone) because I miss him. I miss his smell, how in the middle of the night he'll roll over and spoon me really tight, the sound of his loud car coming down the street.... 7 more weeks :(

Even though I haven’t spoken to my sister for over a month now, she recently reached out to offer to give me funds to help max out my retirement contribution. It’s a big amount. She did this last year, too, but I’m floored by her kindness since we haven’t been on the best terms. I’m getting emotional and not sure how to take her generosity. I feel like I don’t deserve it.

I wasn’t with family on Thanksgiving even though they’re in town. I know this space is needed for to process and heal from what happened. But it feels like they’re avoiding me since the fight with older sister (matriarch of family). My other older sis has reached out and that’s been nice. I’ve been feeling really sad still on top of depression. I’m thinking of taking a week off bc I will be emotional when coworkers asked about the holidays. I’ve been pushing myself way too hard lately and I’ve finally reached my breaking point.

The last LTR I was in, his mom was ill and in and out of the hospital a couple times, but wasn't on her deathbed. It got him thinking about her funeral and death, in general. He thought it'd be a great idea to write his own obituary and he mentioned it to his mom and she wasn't happy about that at all. haha! I don't think it's that weird really. When my dad died I was the one that ended up writing his and I was an emotional wreck. I wanted to honor him by writing everything just perfect and not leaving anything of importance out. It might actually be kind of nice to have had the person write out what they'd like said about them, and then others can share more.

(CONT.) I felt nauseous going to the Lyft and started to feel worst during the ride. The route driver took with hills and his stop and go driving certainly didn't help. So, I ended up throwing up in the back (thank goodness he had a plastic bag) and completely crying at the same time. I was surprised at my body's reaction, like I had no control over it. It was awful feeling this way, but I had no other way to release from an emotional evening. My body is trying to tell me something and I need to finally listen. I need to stop and take care of myself. I need to go back to therapy asap to talk about past trauma which will help when triggered by said family members. I need to show compassion for myself and my family since we've all been through a lot and it will continue being difficult. I really wish I could just take a year off from everything (especially work and its new pressures) to focus on my own healing.

My family and I are struggling right now. I have a older sister (Will call her K) moving back home from across US, for us to better support her health. She has illnesses, I'm just learning that her mental health illness is really serious. For the past week, I went over to help my other sister (C) take care of my nephew (T) since she's helping with move logistics along with my brother-in-law who's out of town and helping physically w/ move. Last night, C and I got into a heated exchange which started randomly, but it triggered a lot her (she was like my parent growing up). I became inconsolable and was not available to help watch T which led to an angry outburst by C (also T's mom). I didn't want T to see me crying and ask whys. I felt like child again being scolded at, but hearing T consoling her really broke my heart. I'm amazed that a 3-yr old kid has so much empathy. She later apologized, but I'm still very emotional about even this morning, so I decided to take a car home.

being a mother is the hardest job ever. For me it is at least. It’s all worry and love. You pour yourself into your children at any age they are and it’s just so difficult to disconnect and let them free. I worry for their safety, i worry for their choices. I hope and pray my children will stay focused on a good path and do good things for themselves and for others. For them to be good, decent, happy people. No one will ever understand the behind the scenes anguish and anxiety and tears we shed as mothers as we smile and love and raise our children. Something happened today, (not bad, just not great-life things) so I’m so emotional today, forgive my rant.

Work is getting more intense with Director leaving soon and I'll assume a lot of her responsibilities even though I don't feel ready for a mgmt role right now. The show must go on. In reality, I'm just trying to survive. I hate that I'm going back to emotional eating during times of huge stressors and feeling overwhelmed.

I was at the massage therapist the other day and I agreed to do a meditation while I laid there relaxing face down. I'd never done that before, but it was really cool. She told me to imagine myself in 10 years.... what I'd look like, what my hair would look like, what I imagine my attitude to look like, my frame of mind, etc, all while taking deep belly breaths. It was so relaxing and imagining those things made me very emotional and I almost felt like crying. I'd never tried to picture that before. The overall image I had of myself was that I was happy, relaxed, and confident. Right now in my life I feel very anxious, fearful, and unhappy too often. I'm obviously hoping for the future to be better.