I can't keep doing this. The more I dislike him, the more he hangs on and the more affectionate he gets. Where was this behavior when I actually wanted your love? When I was BEGGING you to love me and care for me the way I did you?? I don't want you anymore! Go away!

You're not wrong. As I learn more about trauma responses, I'm learning that I'm not an empath and may not even be an introvert. And that 100% of my personality is a trauma response (normally fawn response, specifically), and that I have severe imposter syndrome. I think sometimes people use those terms to feel special or because they don't know about trauma responses. But it's scary to start diving in and realize you have to deal with all the shit in your head *and* reinvent yourself.

And don't forget empath. Everyone is an empath now. Are you an empath or are you hyper-aware of people's moods and emotions as a trauma response? One of the most toxic people I work with constantly tells everyone she's an empath. Funny, she can't read my mood enough to leave me the hell alone, when she's droning on about the latest "narcissist" she's battling.

H asked me what expectations I have for him and our over a decade marrIage. I told him the truth, which is that I have none. I choose to wake up and be happy and handle every day as it happens instead of setting myself up for disappointment by expecting things to meet some arbitrary mental standard. And he got mad! Said "How am I supposed to meet your expectations and be awesome if you don't expect anything from me?" Dude, I don't know. Why do I need to take on the mental load of making you be a better person in addition to everything else I do? Why can't you just be whatever "awesome" person you think you should be without me telling you to do it? Fucks sake. And men think women are complicated. Smh.

The words "gaslighting" and "narcissist" are starting to sound meaningless to me. That sounds awful, and it's not because I don't think they're real things, but I've met so many people who basically accuse everyone they've ever met of those things, and they're usually guilty of the exact same shit they accuse others of. And this post isn't aimed at anybody, and it's not to shame anyone dealing with an actual narcissist or someone who gaslights you, IDK, I've just had it up to the neck with a couple of people in my workplace who always make themselves out to be the victims. Somehow I've ended up being wedged in the middle of a bunch of playground behaviour but with big psychological words used. Sometimes I feel like people are just using words like that because it's wordier than saying someone is behaving like an asshole.

I made it all of last night without drinking. But now the intrusive thoughts are back. I'd rather swallow a bottle of pills than to keep putting up with my own brain. I hate this.

Four times last month, my FB account was locked due to "unusual activity" and saying that someone may have accessed my account. I had verify it was me by identifying certain friends. I changed my password each time, and then my associated email. Everything was fine until this morning when I was locked out again. This time I had to upload my license and have to wait who knows how long for it to be reviewed. I never click on anything weird or open any attachments, so I don't know why this keeps happening, but I'm pissed!

The way to handle the issue with DS who wasn't picked for sports is to find something he loves and strongly encourage participation in it. Music is a good choice, also art, camping, running track (which doesn't require being on a team at first and is great exercise). Also community theater, working with tools, reading. Achievement in any activity is good for the self esteem and also the soul. Worked with my kids.

I cant shake this feeling that something horrible is coming. I'm usually not wrong when I feel like this. I haven't had this much dread in a while though. I wish it would just go ahead and happen so I can stop being paralyzed by this weight in my chest.

You don't have to approach husband for divorce. Just have him served with papers while you are somewhere else. My lawyer insisted that I do it that way because husband had been violent with me in the past and freaked out about every little thing. By the time you get to where you are, you don't owe him anything. Ahead of time, remove your valuables and make sure you have someplace to go.